So we have a beautiful, adorable, lovable, kissable, huggable, squeezable, snuggly baby boy. Born at home and WOW that was the absolute coolest home birth yet...painful but so incredible. :-)
Dad was AWESOME during the labor...I won't bore you with the birth story...but really it was amazing. And besides all that I feel GREAT (I have my body back after all!! LOL - well mostly...since I'm nursing) I don't think I've ever recovered from a birth so fast...how's that for fantastic?
Needless to say, typing one handed isn't my strong suit, but I've still been reading blogs some, trying to stay caught up with you guys and gals. But mostly just enjoying our new little guy.
DH has hinted that DD is not off the table...just waiting for the recovery period to end...we shall see....there are days when ttwd is the furthest thing from my mind and others when I doubt it could ever possibly happen...time will tell.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Still Waiting...
Just thought I should pop in to say that nothing much is new. Still waiting for this dear little one to be born...sometime in the next 2 weeks...I can't be pregnant forever, right?
And I had an interesting conversation with my DH...I realized that he really isn't comfortable with spanking me while I'm pregnant. I had thought he was, because I was...but really...no. So OK. I can live with that. I think after I've recovered from birth and all, we can move forward with this. I do hope.
I'm still reading blogs and enjoying keeping up with you guys and gals. But life moves fast around here and my energy level isn't at it's peak, so getting things settled here are certainly a priority. And then there was Passover and lots of other personal things going on...nothing serious or major, but it's kept us busy.
Hope you all are well.
And I had an interesting conversation with my DH...I realized that he really isn't comfortable with spanking me while I'm pregnant. I had thought he was, because I was...but really...no. So OK. I can live with that. I think after I've recovered from birth and all, we can move forward with this. I do hope.
I'm still reading blogs and enjoying keeping up with you guys and gals. But life moves fast around here and my energy level isn't at it's peak, so getting things settled here are certainly a priority. And then there was Passover and lots of other personal things going on...nothing serious or major, but it's kept us busy.
Hope you all are well.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Surprises
Why am I not surprised? I mean
really? What was I expecting? No, he didn’t read it. In fact when I came
downstairs from putting the boys to bed I found him reading a book. This is a
new thing for him…he’s not a big reader. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m glad he’s
reading. I’m even glad he’s reading this
book..it has been encouraging to him and I think the direction that it gives
will help our family…BUT I was hurt that he hadn’t read what I wrote.
I struggled all the next morning
with being angry at him and was finally able to put it aside…but not until
after I had snapped and grumped at everyone in the house. I’m sure the heat and
lack of running water didn’t help. (Did I
mention that for the last 2 weeks we haven’t had running water from about 7am ‘til
about 1 pm?? Gotta love water rationing!)
We live about a kilometer from
town…and we needed to go to the store, BUT our car is not working (do you have any idea how challenging it is
to try and find car parts for a European made car, in a Latin country when you
don’t speak the language well??? –insert rolling
eyes here - ), so he was
waiting on our friend to go in as he was going to ride with him…but our friend
got to talking with another fellow that stopped by and there were only 10
minutes before the stores closed. I was sure that we’d never make it to the
store tonight but my DH was putting on his shoes… what?
I said “Did you ask him if you
could just borrow the car?”
“No, I don’t want to do that.” He
said.
“OK, so what are you doing? The
stores are about to close.” (it was 10 minutes ‘til 9:00)
“I’m going to run to the store.” As
he walks/jogs out the door…leaving me gaping after him...
“But…!!??”
But he was gone already.
Now the most important part of
this little story is this…we didn’t need anything really vital, just a few small
things…and one splurge that I wanted...because I hadn’t eaten dinner yet and I
was waiting on this one thing. So he literally RAN to the store…just for me. I
was surprised to say the least. He was back in 20 minutes…takes him longer in the car! LOL
Later, we were talking over our
little purchase (nacho cheese dip and chips…that’s a big deal here – comfort food)
and I was able to share with him a few little things and he was still awake
enough to respond. It was nice to have a regular conversation that didn’t
involve money or plans for the day. KWIM?
Then our neighbor came over and
talked (and talked and talked!!)…then he decided to go install a faucet in
another apartment “It’ll only take a minute.” Yeah, right! Thirty minutes later
I went to find him and we fiddled with it, trying to decide why the lower units
didn’t have the same water pressure, etc…finally heading to bed at midnight.
I was disappointed because I had
hoped that tonight he could read my letter and we could talk about it some, but
that didn’t happen.
Then he did something else I didn’t
expect…(I hesitate to share this because
it’s personal/private, but it’s vital to the story.) For the 2nd
time in 3 days, he stopped me by the bed, undressed me and put my pajamas on,
not really saying much, but smiling at me and just paying attention.
Now what you don’t know, and he didn’t
either, was I had written something about that in my letter (and no he really
hadn’t read it!).
I just feel this need lately for
some extra TLC…I mean, I take care of 4 other people all day long (and then
some!) but rarely does anyone really take care of me…at least not in those
little, affectionate ways that speak to me. Well this did, and what’s more he
did it without my asking…without knowing what I had written. That made it even
more special.
After that we reconnected in
other ways and I slept wonderfully. :-)
I think I can, I think I can. I think I can…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So after breakfast I asked him again,
to read my letter. He apologized for not reading it sooner. I told him how it
made me feel bad that I wrote about things important to me and he hadn’t made
the time to read it. So he did. He told me he was glad I wrote these things
down and that it helped him understand what I was thinking to read it.
I told him that was nice to hear…I’m
glad he’s glad and all…but I do actually
need more feedback than that! It was all said in good humor…he said we’d
talk more later…I completely understand the need to wait as the day was
starting to slip away from us and we had several important things to do - car
repairs and visa trips tomorrow!!
…so until later.
Monday, March 12, 2012
The Little Engine That Could
(I've always liked that children's story...and I seem to have embraced that idea from early childhood...never give up.)
It’s been so long, I hardly know where to start…things have
been exceedingly crazy here...in several ways. First my DH’s work has been
overwhelming…not really anything new, but he’s allowed it to overwhelm him. That’s made for lots of stressful
days and nights. We’ve had a few ugly encounters over the last few weeks and
neither of us has really handled them well, but they didn’t result in anything
related to DD either.
Because of all this extra stress and strain, I’ve been on a
roller coaster emotionally. There are a few other factors too…moving, necessary
travel (visa renewal), pregnancy, crazy midwives, the heat (ugh! I HATE the
heat!!), etc. Overall, it’s just been nuts and felt nuts too.
I took the time to write him another letter, explaining how
I feel…but then he didn’t read it. It was late…then the next day things got
crazy again and it was midnight before we went to bed.
So hopefully
tonight he’ll read my little letter and we can talk…I hope. Sometimes I’m
afraid to hope. I’m tired of being disappointed in our lack of real
communication and intimacy…but you’ve got to hope right?
Sunday, February 26, 2012
It's Enough for Now
I've really tried to write this post several times...but being a very private person it's hard to figure out how to say things...without saying them! So I'll try anyway. And hope I don't bore you.
Last weekend we had a problem...well, really we had a horrid fight while we were out as a family. If you read my intro you might recall that I mentioned we recently conqured a problem that I felt had been keeping us from trying DD. Well, I probably should have said we subdued that problem, because it's still there, just much more under control...until last weekend.
The shorter version is that my husband reacted badly to something that happened, and I reacted badly to him. He wasn't impressed. Neither was I for that matter. I felt completely justified. But in reality what I did only fueled the fire. I do realize that, and I do agree that my reaction was not what it should have been...but since I 'thought' we had this monster under control I was doubly upset.
During the heat of it all he told me I would be getting a huge spanking when we got home. To which I replied, "I don't think so"...more or less. Because he was not exactly utilizing self control in those moments, I wasn't about to give in, right or wrong. Guess his attitude fueled my fire too. Funny how that works.
After we got home we went about nromal things, feeding the kiddos and putting them to bed...it was late already. I got online a started reading (DD blogs of all things). Then I found this letter written my Mick. I left the page open as I started to get ready for bed. (And BTW, thank you Mick..great letter! I would have commented but couldn't for some reason.)
I really doubted he would read it...he usually just glances at things I leave open before opening a new window for what he's looking at. I peeked over the rail from upstairs (our 1 bedroom studio apartment). He was still on the page.
Brush teeth, check again...yep, still there reading...hmm..it was a long post, I wonder if he'll finish it. Tuck in kiddos...check again...OK, now I'm impressed he's actually reading it. Gee, that could mean....nah...he probably forgot anyway...check again...still reading.
Hmmm...now I'm not actually worried about the pain part of a possible punishment, because I know where he is with this (new at it and concerned about me being pregnant) and I know he won't go very far...but I am kind of worried about my thoughts and reaction to the whole thing, because I know where I am at the moment too....so I do what I know is the best remedy for my turmoil in the whole situation...I open my bible.
I turn to my favorite passage...well, the one that I know speaks to me on this issue. 1 Peter 3 ...
[a while back I was seriously contemplating leaving. Don't get me wrong, I didn't want to, but I felt I almost had no choice. However, I've been through a divorce before, and I know full well how horrible it is. I know what it does to grown ups and children alike. I've already told myself many times, I'm not going there. So if I had left, it wouldn't have been with divorce in mind, but to hopefully get through to him...only I know it wouldn't work... and I know that it would not be the best my Heavenly Father has for us...so I stayed, and tried again. And cried again. But I'm glad I did.]
Reading the chapter I see myself through my Father's eyes and not just my own. I know my attitude was wrong. I know I came at him, when I should have kept quiet. I knew it was better to let the storm pass that try to fight it. -sigh- I know my part was wrong too, but I'm having a really hard time with this...I'm still very upset, maybe angry, sad, and feeling hopeless too. Confused would sum it up.
He comes upstairs. We talk a bit...I'm not emotional really about any of it, just matter of fact and hiding behind a wall of anger and indifference. He apologizes for his part...sort of...and tells me that my reaction to him didn't help. Asked me where the spoon is...the one we bought for this - yeah I was behind that one...I'll probably regret it one day.
"I don't know I had it downstairs...the kids were playing with it. I haven't seen it in a day or two." He goes to look for it and a few minutes later I follow him downstairs under the guise of getting a drink...but really I'm looking too. Darn, can't find the thing...so now either he'll use his hand or the glue stick (think hot glue gun, long flexible-ouch! we'd experimented with that a bit) or he'll drop it. A few minutes later we're both back upstairs and I'm not sure if he's going to continue with this or what. (I'm trying to play it cool here, but really I'm wondering what's going on in his head!! LOL)
Finally, he calls me over to him and tells me to undress. Now I'm not planning on fighting him on this, I want this, I know I deserve it...sort of, but when it comes down to actually submitting....oh brother, this isn't so easy. I'm standing there, not really looking at him, but not responding either. I wish he would just reach a hand out and lift my face to his...but he doesn't. He repeats himself, actually this happens several times, finally after struggling internally, I give. He helps me. He gentle guides me into position. He's very calm.
He spanks me with his hand, talking some. I'm focused more on what I'm feeling, or supposed to be feeling, trying to process it all. Can I get through this wall of emotion and let go???
He stops and talks. Ask me how I feel about everything now. After I catch my breath, I'm able to briefly tell him that I flat don't know! I'm still kind of mad, I'm hurt, I'm ...well...I don't really know. He nods his head. "OK", he says...and he starts again. He's doing what? Really? Wow, his hand must be hurting by now...I can't believe it! I'm seriously impressed.
He finally stops again. We're done. We talk a bit. I haven't really budged, he's exhausted (we didn't know he was coming down with a fever either! poor guy!) 10 minutes later we're in bed and he's sound asleep. I tossed and turned for hours...slept a little and woke up ticked. Not even sure why. Not really at the spanking, I'm glad he did it. I can only imagine the emotions if he hadn't....but I really hadn't forgiven him yet either. -sigh- Being married is hard. Loving someone with all your heart is hard and dealing with their 'stuff' is hard too. But it's worth it. I know this, I just don't feel it right now.
Sunday progresses and things get better. I express to him that I'm really glad he did spank me, even though it didn't have the effect I'd hoped and even though we couldn't find that darn spoon. We both agree that it might have gone differently if he had found it.
Funny thing about that, I think really because he was still a bit angry about me being disrespectful, that if he'd had the spoon, I might have been a lot more settled when he was done! LOL
It wasn't a bad experience. It was in fact progress. And for now that's enough.
Last weekend we had a problem...well, really we had a horrid fight while we were out as a family. If you read my intro you might recall that I mentioned we recently conqured a problem that I felt had been keeping us from trying DD. Well, I probably should have said we subdued that problem, because it's still there, just much more under control...until last weekend.
The shorter version is that my husband reacted badly to something that happened, and I reacted badly to him. He wasn't impressed. Neither was I for that matter. I felt completely justified. But in reality what I did only fueled the fire. I do realize that, and I do agree that my reaction was not what it should have been...but since I 'thought' we had this monster under control I was doubly upset.
During the heat of it all he told me I would be getting a huge spanking when we got home. To which I replied, "I don't think so"...more or less. Because he was not exactly utilizing self control in those moments, I wasn't about to give in, right or wrong. Guess his attitude fueled my fire too. Funny how that works.
After we got home we went about nromal things, feeding the kiddos and putting them to bed...it was late already. I got online a started reading (DD blogs of all things). Then I found this letter written my Mick. I left the page open as I started to get ready for bed. (And BTW, thank you Mick..great letter! I would have commented but couldn't for some reason.)
I really doubted he would read it...he usually just glances at things I leave open before opening a new window for what he's looking at. I peeked over the rail from upstairs (our 1 bedroom studio apartment). He was still on the page.
Brush teeth, check again...yep, still there reading...hmm..it was a long post, I wonder if he'll finish it. Tuck in kiddos...check again...OK, now I'm impressed he's actually reading it. Gee, that could mean....nah...he probably forgot anyway...check again...still reading.
Hmmm...now I'm not actually worried about the pain part of a possible punishment, because I know where he is with this (new at it and concerned about me being pregnant) and I know he won't go very far...but I am kind of worried about my thoughts and reaction to the whole thing, because I know where I am at the moment too....so I do what I know is the best remedy for my turmoil in the whole situation...I open my bible.
I turn to my favorite passage...well, the one that I know speaks to me on this issue. 1 Peter 3 ...
[a while back I was seriously contemplating leaving. Don't get me wrong, I didn't want to, but I felt I almost had no choice. However, I've been through a divorce before, and I know full well how horrible it is. I know what it does to grown ups and children alike. I've already told myself many times, I'm not going there. So if I had left, it wouldn't have been with divorce in mind, but to hopefully get through to him...only I know it wouldn't work... and I know that it would not be the best my Heavenly Father has for us...so I stayed, and tried again. And cried again. But I'm glad I did.]
Reading the chapter I see myself through my Father's eyes and not just my own. I know my attitude was wrong. I know I came at him, when I should have kept quiet. I knew it was better to let the storm pass that try to fight it. -sigh- I know my part was wrong too, but I'm having a really hard time with this...I'm still very upset, maybe angry, sad, and feeling hopeless too. Confused would sum it up.
He comes upstairs. We talk a bit...I'm not emotional really about any of it, just matter of fact and hiding behind a wall of anger and indifference. He apologizes for his part...sort of...and tells me that my reaction to him didn't help. Asked me where the spoon is...the one we bought for this - yeah I was behind that one...I'll probably regret it one day.
"I don't know I had it downstairs...the kids were playing with it. I haven't seen it in a day or two." He goes to look for it and a few minutes later I follow him downstairs under the guise of getting a drink...but really I'm looking too. Darn, can't find the thing...so now either he'll use his hand or the glue stick (think hot glue gun, long flexible-ouch! we'd experimented with that a bit) or he'll drop it. A few minutes later we're both back upstairs and I'm not sure if he's going to continue with this or what. (I'm trying to play it cool here, but really I'm wondering what's going on in his head!! LOL)
Finally, he calls me over to him and tells me to undress. Now I'm not planning on fighting him on this, I want this, I know I deserve it...sort of, but when it comes down to actually submitting....oh brother, this isn't so easy. I'm standing there, not really looking at him, but not responding either. I wish he would just reach a hand out and lift my face to his...but he doesn't. He repeats himself, actually this happens several times, finally after struggling internally, I give. He helps me. He gentle guides me into position. He's very calm.
He spanks me with his hand, talking some. I'm focused more on what I'm feeling, or supposed to be feeling, trying to process it all. Can I get through this wall of emotion and let go???
He stops and talks. Ask me how I feel about everything now. After I catch my breath, I'm able to briefly tell him that I flat don't know! I'm still kind of mad, I'm hurt, I'm ...well...I don't really know. He nods his head. "OK", he says...and he starts again. He's doing what? Really? Wow, his hand must be hurting by now...I can't believe it! I'm seriously impressed.
He finally stops again. We're done. We talk a bit. I haven't really budged, he's exhausted (we didn't know he was coming down with a fever either! poor guy!) 10 minutes later we're in bed and he's sound asleep. I tossed and turned for hours...slept a little and woke up ticked. Not even sure why. Not really at the spanking, I'm glad he did it. I can only imagine the emotions if he hadn't....but I really hadn't forgiven him yet either. -sigh- Being married is hard. Loving someone with all your heart is hard and dealing with their 'stuff' is hard too. But it's worth it. I know this, I just don't feel it right now.
Sunday progresses and things get better. I express to him that I'm really glad he did spank me, even though it didn't have the effect I'd hoped and even though we couldn't find that darn spoon. We both agree that it might have gone differently if he had found it.
Funny thing about that, I think really because he was still a bit angry about me being disrespectful, that if he'd had the spoon, I might have been a lot more settled when he was done! LOL
It wasn't a bad experience. It was in fact progress. And for now that's enough.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Thank you!
I wanted to write comments back to say thank you for all the kind words of encouragment...only Blogger won't let me comment! I remember reading about that on someone else's blog, but I'm not sure how to fix it. Odd, I can still comment on other people's blogs...well, maybe ove rthe weekend I can figure it out.
Since I feel like I know some of you...I'll go ahead and say this...our marriage is really on a rocky road right now. My DH is distracted beyond belief, and I feel little more than a room mate most days. Add in some extra emotions from being pregnant and you don't have a great recipe for peaceful.
Elysia - thank you so much for your welcome - that brought a smile to my face on a hard day.
Susie - your blog was one of the first I found and I couldn't read enough of it. I kind of thought we'd have lots in common. :-) And I really enjoy reading your posts!
Florida Dom - thank you for the welcome! You're right, I've seen that thread a lot! LOL
Grace - thank you! I've enjoyed your blog so much!
Anyway, I do so appreciate reading your blogs and all that each of you share. I hope you have a beautiful weekend!
Shalom!
Since I feel like I know some of you...I'll go ahead and say this...our marriage is really on a rocky road right now. My DH is distracted beyond belief, and I feel little more than a room mate most days. Add in some extra emotions from being pregnant and you don't have a great recipe for peaceful.
Elysia - thank you so much for your welcome - that brought a smile to my face on a hard day.
Susie - your blog was one of the first I found and I couldn't read enough of it. I kind of thought we'd have lots in common. :-) And I really enjoy reading your posts!
Florida Dom - thank you for the welcome! You're right, I've seen that thread a lot! LOL
Grace - thank you! I've enjoyed your blog so much!
Anyway, I do so appreciate reading your blogs and all that each of you share. I hope you have a beautiful weekend!
Shalom!
Thursday, January 26, 2012
About Us
So I've been reading tons of blogs (as in all of Susie's, Grace's and I'm working on Sara's now) and even commented on a one or two, so I figured it would be nice if I introduced myself.
Let's see, the basics...married for more than 12 years, 4 kiddos (ages 20 to 5) and one due in the spring. We home school. Home birth. Home fellowship...well, when we had one. You get the idea. Moved out of the US a few years ago, to Latin America. Firmly believe in the scriptures..as in ALL of it, the Law, the Messiah, the whole sha-bang...Pretty much every decision we make is based on that one thing, as it's all encompassing to us, so if I actually blog..not sure I will, but if I do then there's likely to be lots of scripture related stuff in there.
Now about TTWD...well, OK...I'm not sure I can really say we DO it. You see, I brought it to my DH (dear husband) 2 years ago and while he agreed it was a good thing, we really weren't in a place mentally to be able to move forward with it. I pined around the internet for a few months making myself miserable wanting something I couldn't have and then finally let it go.
Now that we've conqured the thing that was holding us back...I asked him about it again. (what? 2 months ago maybe) He's agreed again, but still trying to learn about it and not jump in too fast. While I know that's the smart way to approach it I'm also really impatient about it all...so I'm trying to give him info and prompt conversations about it as he's open to it. We've done what I call 'experimental' spankings, gradually increasing intensity...but not really moved into anything that resembles actual discipline. I guess I'm OK with that too.
I guess part of that reason is that when we married we already had established that he was the head of the house...I mean it's such a basic biblical principal, it was a no brainer for us to work that way. I've always striven for being submissive and letting him lead, but like many of you gals, taking charge of the situation is the default and it's easier to do many times.
I think because of that one thing, he's become rather passive and while we both recognize it...changing it is much harder.
However!!! because of the recent change (maybe I should elaborate on that soon, see I probably will end up blogging - LOL) our family has been though a lot of damage...neither the kids or myself had much, if any respect for him. We knew things we're about to give and well, really it was the Father's intervention that changed everything. Literally overnight things changed in our family and we all had hope again. But that damage is still there...and still needs to be repaired and restored. So that's why I think TTWD will help. Yes it will help me emotionally, but I think even more it will help him. Help him become the man that he was created to be. I think he sees that, in some ways, but it's harder for him to grasp. I read like I breathe...I absolutely LOVE to read, so I've been immersed in lots of blogs and sites that talk about TTWD. I can see the possibilities. He's still trying to completely form that vision...but I have hope!! He's talked about and done things I never would have expected even in the last few weeks.
Well, anyway...that's a long enough introduction, don't you think!!?
Shalom,
Ruth
Let's see, the basics...married for more than 12 years, 4 kiddos (ages 20 to 5) and one due in the spring. We home school. Home birth. Home fellowship...well, when we had one. You get the idea. Moved out of the US a few years ago, to Latin America. Firmly believe in the scriptures..as in ALL of it, the Law, the Messiah, the whole sha-bang...Pretty much every decision we make is based on that one thing, as it's all encompassing to us, so if I actually blog..not sure I will, but if I do then there's likely to be lots of scripture related stuff in there.
Now about TTWD...well, OK...I'm not sure I can really say we DO it. You see, I brought it to my DH (dear husband) 2 years ago and while he agreed it was a good thing, we really weren't in a place mentally to be able to move forward with it. I pined around the internet for a few months making myself miserable wanting something I couldn't have and then finally let it go.
Now that we've conqured the thing that was holding us back...I asked him about it again. (what? 2 months ago maybe) He's agreed again, but still trying to learn about it and not jump in too fast. While I know that's the smart way to approach it I'm also really impatient about it all...so I'm trying to give him info and prompt conversations about it as he's open to it. We've done what I call 'experimental' spankings, gradually increasing intensity...but not really moved into anything that resembles actual discipline. I guess I'm OK with that too.
I guess part of that reason is that when we married we already had established that he was the head of the house...I mean it's such a basic biblical principal, it was a no brainer for us to work that way. I've always striven for being submissive and letting him lead, but like many of you gals, taking charge of the situation is the default and it's easier to do many times.
I think because of that one thing, he's become rather passive and while we both recognize it...changing it is much harder.
However!!! because of the recent change (maybe I should elaborate on that soon, see I probably will end up blogging - LOL) our family has been though a lot of damage...neither the kids or myself had much, if any respect for him. We knew things we're about to give and well, really it was the Father's intervention that changed everything. Literally overnight things changed in our family and we all had hope again. But that damage is still there...and still needs to be repaired and restored. So that's why I think TTWD will help. Yes it will help me emotionally, but I think even more it will help him. Help him become the man that he was created to be. I think he sees that, in some ways, but it's harder for him to grasp. I read like I breathe...I absolutely LOVE to read, so I've been immersed in lots of blogs and sites that talk about TTWD. I can see the possibilities. He's still trying to completely form that vision...but I have hope!! He's talked about and done things I never would have expected even in the last few weeks.
Well, anyway...that's a long enough introduction, don't you think!!?
Shalom,
Ruth
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